Mou Sukoshi - I think I should stop watching romantic anime.

I was thinking about girls earlier today. More in the vein of, "what is that essential trait that I need in a girl?" rather than, "what body parts have to be what size," but I guess that's more to be expected of me. I think I've kind of nailed it down. I think what I want most is substance. First I thought it was all these combinations of things, but I think it comes down to the fact that there has to be more than meets the eye in a good kind of way. Maybe we're all a collection of puzzle pieces nicely laid out. If you got a GED, you have one piece, if you can sing well, you've got another piece-- every little detail, every little ability, every little thing is another piece. And I think what I need is a girl who has lots of pieces. Lots of details and things about her. For example, if I'm a puzzle, then I'm all over the place. I've got pieces in all quadrants with some pieces that aren't even connected to other pieces. Oh, another important thing is that she can't be totally bounded. I think it's kind of a given, but you know how you start puzzles from the outside in? You set the boundaries first, and then you go for the substance. It can't be that way though. I don't think I'm quite bounded yet-- there are border pieces, but since everything isn't quite connected, you never know how many pieces are gotta fit in between what I've already got. I want it to be the same way with her-- I want her to grow and change, just as I expect myself to grow and change. I'm more worried about the size of the puzzle and the piece count, and not so much the actual content of the puzzle. (although, to be sure, all that's pretty important too)

That being said, I think I should stop watching romantic anime. There's a particular strain of romance that does something to me. It...kind of feels like I get to see myself, zoomed out. I realize how many pieces I've got to me, but also how many pieces I'm missing. It makes me realize how discontiguous I am, it literally makes me feel like I'm all over the place, like I've got holes in my identity, in who I'm supposed to be. It makes me feel pathetically incomplete. It makes me realize that maybe the most important quality isn't the piece count, or the size of the puzzle, but that she'll fill in the holes and make me feel more together.

I don't like this feeling of being pathetically incomplete, as though I'm not a good enough person to stand on my own; to be a person in my own right, but maybe I'm not. What if I find her, and the sun sets and I lose her again? I'm scared that I'll, pardon the phrase, go to pieces. If I get used to this feeling of being complete, only to have it ripped from me, could I handle it? Could I keep it together? Or more importantly, could I, could Chris as a being, as an entity survive?

Sure I'll biologically survive, but I'm not quite as sure that who I am will.

...Yeah, maybe I should lay off the romance.