I'm gonna marry Korea.

"To see Korea, whether through a camera lens or in person, is to want to touch her. She's tough, fiery and independent--yes--but she's also gentle and warm, rich in colors and textures which flit and freeze in her golden light like luminescent butterflies a-dance over cliffs of granite."

--Korea Insight Guide, 1981

When I first read this line, I thought, "This is exactly what I want in a woman: fiery, independent but also feminine and gentle." For the longest time, I've tried to put together what it is that I want in a woman, in a wife even. But whenever I tried, I'd always come up against these contradictions; "There's no way a girl who would want to try mountain climbing would ever be good at cooking." (it's an example, don't bite my head off) But I've always come across these contradictions in personality that I want. I could never get it down to a formula because in the end, it came down to the fact that I was always most interested in the entire package-- the sum of the parts. There were and are far too many variables and so many ways things can go that I can't say who will or won't attract me. I almost gave up, concluding that I must be the ultimate narcissist, wanting someone as quirky and convoluted as myself. I thought I wanted to marry myself for a while and I was going to hand myself in to a head doctor.

The first part is the easiest really; the physical. In this sense I guess I'm lucky-- I'm not particularly attached to any particular part of the body, be it boobs or butt or whatever. I've always been a total-package kind of guy, so I think looks have always mattered for me less than it does for most guys. But on the other hand I have to admit that it plays a role and sometimes I'd like to think that I'm above that, but I'm so not. I get pushed and pulled by cute and pretty girls just like every other guy-- I just don't get whiplash from it. But I know myself-- I get pulled around enough for me to be wary around pretty girls or cute girls. I know I have a weakness in girls with looks and that it'd be so easy for me to be strung along, so I'm trying to avoid relationships altogether so I don't make any stupid mistakes.

I've been talking to Emily about this, and I'm trying to narrow it down though.

I've always been convinced that Intelligence was a non-negotiable. Without it, I'd get bored. Me being the type of person that can actually get bored of people, this isn't good. I've always needed someone who could engage me intellectually; challenge my ideas and make me smarter for it. But Em pointed out that engaging works just as well-- she's got to understand the way I think to even be able to communicate with me. I never asked for incredibly smart (we don't want me to be overshadowed here =p) it's just a matter of equality, really. I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm towering. It would be...uncomfortable.

I told her that I was essentially looking for a companion, a partner, someone who can strive with me toward a goal, but at the same time hold her own against me when I'm wrong and someone whom I can come to love and trust unconditionally. Weird thing is though, I don't expect the same in return. I've got this messed up idea that I don't deserve unconditional love and trust, but giving it is required for me.

I'm not consistent; I can be cold and hard, but also gentle and warm, goofy and ridiculous but also efficient and all business. I'm so multifaceted, in ways and extremes that I don't seem to think most others are and I need someone who can handle all of that. Someone who can pull me out of my moods when they come upon me; someone who can save me from myself. I think I could fall in love with someone who could just save me from myself, because I think it would take so much to do it. Poetically:

I'm looking for someone with fire and steel, with night in her blood but light in her heart

Obviously I haven't met her quite yet. Not at UCI anyways; if I did, I think I'd fall over unconscious just because I found her. But then again she could be right under my nose and I might never know; my social circle isn't really huge.

Then I get a bunch of categories from Em, so I just went down the list:

• Committed, but not to the exclusion of everything else
• Good listener would be nice, 'cuz I'm a pretty good listener and a pair of good listeners have a leg up on relationships!
• On Candid vs. Sentimental, it'd be best if she could roll with it-- candid where it calls for it, but don't bust my chops all the time for little stuff
• As for ministry...I'm not sure. I don't even know where I'm going in ministry, so I'm going to totally leave that up to God.
• I think to balance out my own introverted tendencies, she should be an extrovert, but I tend to 'figure out' extroverts much faster, and then it goes on autopilot, which is uncool. But then Em said that she'll probably figure me out too, and that would be rather nice. So we'll see about this one too? haha.
• Korean: ?

That last one was weird because I have a longing for Korea in my blood. I have a pathological need to go there one day, maybe even live there for a while. She can't be someone ignorant of the asian; the Korean part of me. I read once in an essay that an Asian-American wrote that America is her mind, but Korea is her heart and soul. That's how it is with me. I can have a purely intellectual relationship, but love encompasses the heart and soul, and without it, it'd be a pretty useless relationship. But then I thought about food, languages, and so on. It's a factor, but not an inflexible one.

Then she says, "Chris...honestly what I think you're pursuing really isn't all that complicated." It was like getting shot in the heart with a ray of sunlight; HOPE! haha. It was a nice feeling to be less conflicted, to know that it was both feasible and possible.

I'm a strange kid; I've been thinking about my wife and kids since I was 12.
12.

Then came the obligatory warning to love her for who she is, not who she could be-- to not fall in love with a what if or could be. And then, the kicker: "and by the way...you tell me that you really dont categorize what's "attractive" or whatever...but I TOTALLY know you go for the super pretty feminine korean girls." After a few minor protests, she replies, "Well not much changes; they have to be petite, feminine, cute, if not pretty." I know she's hit the mark on some level, but I still feel a need to protest and defend myself, so I say, "I can't help my shallow nature!" But she excuses me, saying, "it's okay. why not, you know? :P But at the end of the day I dont think youre THAT shallow.."

Yay for my not-that-shallowness!

Haha, so that's my venture into looking for that oh-so-special girl that I haven't found yet. Wherever you are.

Peace.

--Chris